My Little Girl is 5 Months old

Where have the last 5 months gone?

Kayla is so beautiful and I'm not saying that just beacuse I am her mommy but she really is. She is a happy baby who smiles at anyone who looks at her and she brings such joy and love to my life. Without her I am not sure where I would be today.

It's true a child really does make your life complete.

* Kayla is eating veggies at night and has started cereal and fruit in the morning. She is not a fan of paw paw which she tried this morning, poor baby was about to vomit all over the place.

* She is sitting like a champ and very seldome falls over unless she gets very excited

* She is rolling from her back to front and is not really wanting to roll from front to back but get irritated on her tummy.

* She holds her bottle if she feels like it and moves so much in her cot she ends up sleeping in funny possitions.

* She has spent a night at my MIL's house and I survived but so did she (well done mommy!!)

* She is also managing to put her dummy back in her mouth but sees it more as a game now that a nececity.

* Today she even passed her dummy and a toy from one hand to the other.

* She weighs 7.22kg

A tribute to my angel son

This week coming would have been Brayden's first birthday.



When we lost him I wanted to plant a yellow rose bush in his memory (Yellow roses are my favourite!) but I just never got round to it.

This weekend while looking for plants for my garden I found one yellow std rose bush left on sale. I bought it and planted it. It had one small bud on it when I planted it and this morning it had 3 beautiful yellow roses on it!



Happy birthday my beautiful perfect little boy! You will forever be in our hearts and in our minds.

Looking back (part 2)

I wish I could go back in time knowing what I know now about being a mother and having a baby of my very won.

When I was pregnant I think I was living in la la land and had this 'ideal' perspective of how it would be to have a little baby of my very own but boy did I get a shock!

Knowing what I know now, I wish I could go back to that day, the day my beautiful child was brought into this world, I think I would have enjoyed it more.

I had such a bond and such love for Kayla while she was moving and growing inside me, but the min I heard her cry for the first time I had none of the feelings described in books, described in other birth stories, how I had imagined it and it scared the hell out of me. I looked at her, watched her dad and paed tend to her, I held her and looked at her, she was squashed and looked nothing like I imagined her to look.

When I got back to my room I was so thirsty and tired and my husband could now wait to bring our no name brand little girl to me to kiss and cuddle. I held her and looked at her and kind of through well thanks you can put her back in the nursery now. I had imagined I would not want to let her out of my site, I asked a million times to my ante natal class lasy and the nurses how long would I have to wait after the theatre to see her, yet I was there with her and did not examine her finger, ask if she had 10 toes, run my finger along her profile.. none of it. What the hell was wrong with me!!?!?!?

My hospital stay was not as I had imagined it was busy, rushed, no time to day time naps, or long drawn out visits. I was showered with gifts and well wishes. Day 3 and the baby blues set in. I could not imagine what I would do with this little thing when I got home, how would I look after her, how would I know what to do, what if she does not like me or her room?

The first 3 weeks went past in a blur or no sleep, a burning caesar cut that had an infected stitch, emotions of a who knows what, the flu, screaming baby all the time, a baby who hardly slept, i was to adamint I would so this like that or that like this or not like that but biy did Kayla have other plans for her over organised mommy. I can not tell you that I actually experienced any true love for her for a while, and after 2 weeks when my husband went back to work I was petrified to be alone with her. I can tell you come 4 / 5 weeks I could say I started to have some kind of feelings for her and shame of having to say that 'out loud' kills me! I thought there was something wrong with me! Every chance I got I palmed her off to someone else to hold her or feed her, I thought i would have to fight with my husband to hold her but I didn't.

I feel very very guilty and ashamed and bad for those feelings but I can truly say that I LOVE my daughter, I am over protective, no one can do for her like I can do for her, I do not want to let her out of my site, I look forward to waking in the night so I can see her and kiss her one more time, on weekends when my husband has night duty I miss her terribly and will often sneak in while he is feeding her steal a little smooch, when she sleps in the day I miss her and i can stare at her little angelic face while she sleeps for hours on end and look awe of what I have been blessed with.

I think those early feeling where serious feelings of being overwhelmed of coming to terms with the fact that my life was not mine any longer. I grieved the loss of my time, and doing things when I wanted to.
No more sitting in a bubble bath for hours, no more eating when I was hungry I ate when I could steal a few moments to put better on a slice of bread and I would fold it as many times as I could to fit it in my mouth so I would not waste precious time eating, if my phone rang or I want to chat to a friend it was not possible if Kayla was or is due a feed, or a nappy change or a sleep. She comes first over and above everything else I wish you could do or want to do at a specific time.
Daddy does not have the instinct, the love the over protection quite like a mommy has and it's hard to deal with that too.

But when I look into those beautiful blue eyes of my little angel girl I realise what the saying means 'My heart could burst with love'. I understand NOW what my mom used to say to me, "you will understand why I say this, or do that, or have a rule like that when you have a child of your own" I hated when she said that but I truly understand!

So ya that is why knowing what I now know about being a mom why I wish I could go back and redo the first 2 months of Kayla's life beacuse I know what is coming, I know what to expect and maybe I would have felt differently. I hope Kayla grows up to know and understand how much I love her, that I would give my life for hers and that forever and ever I will move heaven and earth to help her.

Looking back

I have been looking back the last year or so of my life and so much has happened and so much has changed.
I have lost some good friends due to losing my baby as I as a person and a friend changed.
I have made so many new friends, mainly from OPM who I wonder how I would get through a day without.

I have become that much closer to my husband as we experienced the joys of finding out we were pregnant and then having to go through chosing to take our own babies life for his own good and then experiencing being pregnant again and all the fears, anguish and excitement that went along with that.
We also welcomed our beautiful Kayla into this world and although having a baby brings you and a spouse or partner closer the honeymoon soon fades and the sleep deprevation and all the other things that come along with a new born, set in and every opportunity you have as a couple to spend alone time and find your intimacy again you use to catch up on a few zzzzz's before the next feed or dreaded cries in the night and no sleeping again!

My mother and I have become so much closer than we already were when I lost my dad, but some how me losing my baby and her knowing exactly what I was going through as she carried her first baby girl full term and having her still born due to the cord being wrapped round her leg too many time somehow made me respect what my mom has been through that little bit more. The 2 weeks after us having to get through that ordeal my mother being diagnosed with breat cancer just seemed too unfair after all the loss and suffering we as a family had already experienced. I stood by my mom's bedside in the hospital from the early hours of each monring to the late hours of each night while still trying to grieve my little baby Brayden.

It makes me realise how strong a person can be if they have to be and mader me realise how important family is and how close I came to losing my mom too.

Being an only child makes you realise that even though you have cousin's who are like sisters they are NOT, and having cousin's who tell you all the time you are their little sister when in fact you are really NOT. As I was the only one to help my mom through losing my dad, I was the only one who could plan a funeral for my dad, I was the only one who could help my mom find a new place to live and pack up 34 years of her life in the house she lived in with my dad and move her to a new place. I am the only one who can sit by my mom's bedside for 9 solid days while she had her mastectomy and the only one who 'really' cared how she showered, what she ate, when she would go see specialist, go for follow ups with the surgeon, sit with her through 6 months chemo etc. Only me, no one else!

But I know all the loss and heartache I have suffered has made me a better person, a stronger person and the fact that I have a down day here and there is ok beacuse I am always the pillar, I am always the rock, so I am entitled to feel a little pity once in a while, feel a little down and depressed and cry for no good reason...

A friend said to me last week, the past 2 years of you life have been like a movie - yet you have survived it all and are still standing today. I am thankful to God for that and for the love I have felt and received from some unexpected friends and some great family. I too have 'mourned' the loss of some good friends who I don't seem to be on the same page as anymore, and although we regularly see eachother our friendships were clearly never strong enought to with stand my experiences of the past year.

Looking back I realise I am me. I am me and I need to put myself above others once in a while!

I need to start dealing with my MIL issues & soon!

I know my MIL posts on OPM must get borning but I just needed to get out what is on my mind & that is what blogs are about right?

I suddenly realised at 2am that my issues with my MIL are mine & that if I do not start putting them behind me I am only spiting myself.

I am fortunate that my MIL does not work & is able to help with Kayla but to be honest I just do not like her, I hate that Kayla occasionally smiles at her, I hate the fact that Kayla will grow up to love her, I hate the fact that I will need to rely on her for help (especially with the work that I am in), I hate the fact that she is Kayla's grandmother, I could go on & on.

I get angry that she wants to spend time with Kayla & throws in my face at every opportunity that my mom pops in to see Kayla in the week & on weekends, that we have left Kayla with my mom often to babysit & to sleep over (1 main reason being that my mom lives on the same rd as us '& it's more convenient), & that she hardly sees & gets to spend time with Kayla. But it makes me mad that she feels she needs a golden invitation to come over when I have told her she must just call & is welcome to come over when ever she likes as long as she understands I can not always entertain her. But she never does & always needs an invite to come for dinner or a visit.

I have pitched for a 3 day conference at the end of Nov (Kayla will be over 4 months old) and the client has requested (if I get it) that I must stay over for the 2 nights. I will definatley need to leave Kayla with MIL for those 3 days, I am not keen on her staying over at night so would rather DH fetch her after work, bath her at home, feed her & let her sleep in her own bed & then take her back in the monring. But I have a feeling it will not be easy for DH to do that & therefore Kayla will probably have to sleep over. MIL asked of she could get copies of some of the photos of Kayla from when she was born till now so we were going through then yest & she saw a photo of my mom bathing Kayla when she was just over a week old & she pulled a face & said "Oh I have not even bathed Kayla yet" & follows that by telling me that she is scared to bath Kayla so how the hell will she manage to look after Kayla for 3 full days & 2 nights?? It is hard work & i am not sure she will manage. I do not really have any other choise though.

I said to MIL that when Kayla is a little older, once a week I may drop Kayla off at her so that I can have some me time & also get some work done. It's a great idea in theory but the fact that I actually have to do it is hard for me, I am scared she will not know what to do in certain situations, I am scared Kayla may need or want me & feel I have abandoned her.
I am having a little bit of seperation anxiety but I know that I need to start letting go & trusting my MIL but I don't know if I can.
I thought maybe from next week I will drop her off for like 2 hours & then fetch her, & maybe not even take her every week but every second week & let MIL have time to get to know Kayla's routine, cries, needs etc & gradually increase the visits from 2 hours to 3 and then eventually for a full day (well from about 10am till about 3pm), but I am not sure I will manage!

What puts me off is that MIL does not show me that I can trust her, I understand she may be scared to do something while I am there incase it is wrong or it upsets me, but I tried to leave the room & leave Kayla with her so she can show some initiative & yet she still doesn't. Like yest she came to visit & I went to hang up washing & I thought she would pick Kayla up out of her pram or even play with her in her pram instead she offered to help me, I declined & said she has come to spend time with Kayla. While I was outside Kayla started moaning & MIL did not even pick her up to try comfort her she just said "ssshhh mommy is coming now". I mean what will she do when I am not there!!?? I am sure it will be different but I am very protective of my little girl & worry know one can do what I can do for her. I think my biggest worry is that I will no longer be in control & I hate that feeling. I am too organised & set in my routine & ways to let other people do it on my behalf, even poor DH can't do anything right & I am working very hard to try leave him be with her.

MIL even said yest that DH can drop Kayla off on his way to work once a week & she will bath Kayla & her & FIL will bring Kayla home in the late afternoon & have dinner with us. I am not so fond of anyone driving my baby around unless it's an emergency (not even my mom) so that idea is just no good. Kayla is only 3 months old & is my little baby girl who needs her mommy (or mommy needs her more?).

This whole MIL thing has got me so worked up & depressed that I can hardly sleep. I need the business but the situation of what to do with Kayla while I am working has me in such a state. I have been so tearful today, I know I need to start letting go of the resentment I have for my MIL, after all without her I would not have my DH & after all she is Kayla's granny too.

Obviously I trust my mom more but my mom shows she can be trusted, DH would never have agreed to leave Kayla with my mom over night twice or tell me leave Kayla with my mom if we have plans to go out if he did not trust her, he has yet to say let's leave her with my mom. Kayla was 9 days old when my mom bathed her (obviously I watched & supervised) & my mom had her opinions about how we bathed Kayla but she did it our way. MIL has had many opportunities to assist in bathing Kayla but has never offered, she never just gets into things & offers & joins in or plays or holds her hand while I bath her.. all she can do is look at her, give us a running commentary of what Kayla is doing (oh look she smiled, oh look she pulled a face, oh look she gurgled - Like i don't know!) & say "helloo my baby".

I refuse to ask her to help or ask her to feed Kayla or hold her or bath her etc, if she wants to do it, get on & do it or ask me if you can, I would never say no. I have even left DH to bath Kayla when his parents are there thinking they would maybe be more open to helping or getting involved but they don't. So how does MIL expect me to be confortable leaving Kayla with her at night or over night.

Oh gosh the anxiety is killing me. I can't talk to DH about it beacuse I don't want him to have am issue with me. I would never tell him I don't like his parents (I think he knows they are not my fav people but it's an unspoken issue) but if I told him about my concerns with his mom having Kayla he would not understand beacuse he does not have that over protection of her like I do. He would let anyone have her as long as he can go out & have a few drinks.

Oh well think next week I may take her to MIL for a couple hours only & build my confidence from there. I know Kayla will be fine but my feelings for my MIL seem to block all my knowledge that she is probably very capable.

WISH ME LUCK! I KNOW I AM GOING TO NEED IT!

3 months!

My little angel is 3 months old today!

She gets cuter by the day!

5.8kg & 58cm tall

Feeling like a bad mommy..

I knew that when I fell pregnant everyone would be an expert on my unborn baby, then when Kayla was born I knew everyone and their aunty would have an opinion about how I should feed, bathed or changed her, including my own family and friends.

I am a very open person who is willing to listen to advise (as I also often ask for it) but also feel it my choice as the mother to my baby to use the advise or not.

For a while now (especially since my cousin and her baby arrived from the UK) I have been told what to do and how to do it by some family members and it's been fine but when it is constantly made an issue of I start to get a little pissed off. I appreciate the advise and concern but not every baby is the same and when your baby is constantly being compared (which I also think is a very natural thing, I often find myself doing it too) it is very difficult.

Yesterday for example we went to a family braai. Kayla was tired and when I miss her sleep time by 5 min she fights me and cries. I have been told on many occassions that she had wind ansd that is why she fights me, but actually since I have spent the last 3 months with her 24 hours a day I think I know when my baby has wind, is tired or hurting. Anyway so Kayla was due for a sleep and I tried to put her to sleep in the lounge in her pram and it worked, however she slept for 5 minutes and when some poeple went into the house she woke up. Eventually I went to put her upstairs in the bedroom (as this is how she sleeps well at home) and she slept for just under 2 hours.
When I went back to sit at the table I was told to make her learn to sleep in noise and to stop making it so difficult for myself. i calmly explained that I have just gotten Kayla into a sleep routine and she is not fond of sleeping with noise (I can't so how can I expect her to?) and she is a very light sleeper so any new or sudden noises wake her up. At home when she sleeps I have the TV on or music playing, our parrot talks one to the dozen so she is ok with familiar noise.

Then after she woke up she was fed and she started rubbing her eyes, so I put her in my arms after she played with one of the other guests and she started to doze, so I left her in my arms and the same family member asked how she can still be tired when she has just woken up? if she is tired she is tired what am I supposed to do about it? At home she has a long afternoon nap and this is what she is used to. They also asked why I have to sit with her while she falls alseep and and why don't I just leave her to fall asleep on her own.. Well that's a valid question but she just doesn't, never has. I don't have to rock her to sleep but just to sit with her till she drifts off then I can leave her. Yes it is time consuming but alot less stressful that just leaving her and an hour later she is so over tired she screams and fights and it takes me another hour and alot of energy to get her asleep. I was also told not to respond to her crying too quickly which I don't (unless the cry or noise she makes is not her normal maoning)..

My family member also asked why she needs so much sleep, is it important beacuse my cousin's baby hardly sleeps in the day and he's fine? Well of course sleep is important and I know when my child is tired and what signs to look for and if she does not sleep she just screams and is a missery.

On Sat we went to friends for a braai at about 3pm. Kayla did not have much of a late morning nap and was so tired when we got to my friends, I would put her to sleep and she would wake up 5 min later, then 10 min of smiling and cooing she would scream her head off. By the time I bathed her and got her to sleep I was drained. So by Sunday I was already an emotional wreck and a little sensitive. And all the questioning and 'judging' made me feel like a crappy mother. I told DH I wanted to go and we left (it was Kayla's bath time anyway). When we got home I just cried beacuse I felt like such a failure. I keep asking myself what have I done wrong, am I a bad mom to my baby, could I do things differently and yes I probably could but I have come a long way from having a baby that would take hours to fall asleep during the night to falling asleep within min of finishing a bottle, who always had to be held and rocked to sleep to being put down and patted to sleep, my baby just needs to know you there you don't even have to touch her while she drifts off.

Kayla was a winter baby so we very seldome left the house (especially at night) and only now that she is getting a little older do I feel it's ok. As long as there is not going to be a huge party (i.e loud music and tons of people) but a few poeple and a quite braai that will not finish off too late I am happy to take her. She has to learn to fit in with our lifestlye but she is also still small so who can blame her for not sleeping with noise?

I am trying to get her into the habit of falling asleep on her own but it does not happen over night. I feel luck such a failure as a mother and that I am doing her more harm than good. But I know my baby, I know her cries, her habits, her routine and what is best for her and works for her (and me) but why does that not make me feel better. If i am questioned at every turn how am I going to do the best for my baby girl?

Mommy is having a hard time..

watching my baby girl grow up. Where the hell has the time gone? It was not so long ago that was chatting in the preggo lounge on OPM all excited for my new arrival!

Yesterday I had to bite the bullet and start packing away Kayla's newborn & some 0 - 3 clothes and start unpacking and sorting through her 3 - 6 months clothes so they can be washed. Shew there were so many clothes she was given (0 - 3 month winter stuff) that she never even wore one and some she only wore one, what a waste and I do not have the heart to sell or give away anything (which I said I would do!!) so I have boxed it just in case, just in case we have another one, and just in case the next one is also a winter baby and just in case the next one is a girl... Ya I can see myself in a few months giving that box away. But I'm just not quite ready to let go just yet.

My baby girl is 3 months old next week and it's killing me. Even though he is so cute now, all smiles and giggles and she has settled into her day time nap routine (well most days) she will be a year before I know it!

Kayla's Dedication

I have my heart set on a lovely family orientated, private, warm dedication for my baby girl. After all I am her mother & I can have it the way I want it right? Wrong!

My church won't do a private one as the pastors are too busy and they would rather me bring her in on a date they decide on, be called up with 10 other couples and their kids and have a prayer said and then sit through a normal Sunday service, obviously my family & friends are welcome to the service so the church can get more members and expose the non-believers to God. I agree fully and what a way to do it but come on, this is a once in a life time thing.

Why is it so important to me you ask? Who knows, but to me (this is my opinion) that the day is about Kayla and about my husband, myself & Kayla's Godparents to promise to bring her up loving, knowing and believing in God. That her parents, her Godparents, Grandparents & other family & friends promise to love her, teach her God's way and support her as a 'community'.

It is also so important to have it in November as Brayden was due in Nov. We lost him in July, we found out we were pregnant last Nov just before his due date, Kayla was due in July and to have her dedicated in Nov seems to me to be a nice way to end the circle of life between my 2 babies!

I would also like a nice family thing at home but am also happy to do it at a church.. I just hope it works out like I planned!

Weight Loss

So I have battled with my weight my entire life, I have always been the big boned girl

who was a little podgy. The thinest I have ever been was at my wedding when I had a personal trainer for 3 months and lost 2 dress sizes. I even wore a bikini (without shorts) on our honeymoon!!

But of course I let myself go (STUPID STUPID ME!).

So I have 6kg from this pregnancy to lose, 4 from my pregnancy with Brayden and sommer another 10kg which I should have lost ages ago.

My hairdresser told me about this pill, a 'miracle pill' that works like a bomb, it costs a bomb and so me being a sucker for the easy way out i bought it! Started yesterday. Was told I do not have to eat healthy, exercise or anything, just eat what you want and the weight will fall off. So I think I will eat as well as I can, go to gym and do cardio and it should definatley work!

Wish me luck!

Oh what a night

On Monday night Kayla slept from 20h15 till 04h36! Whata treat!

Last night was torture! Not only from my daughter but mother nature too!
I woke up at 01h30 as I could hardly breath from a smell of smoke, it must have been a veld fire but it was so strong, then i went to wee and after flushing the loo it was making the noise it makes when it fills up for ages, there was a neighbourhood dog barking like mad in the distance, then Kayla woke for a feed at 02h30 and moaned till 03h30 when I had to get up to try get her to sleep again, then there was an owl on our roof that hooted till 5am! Owls are lovely and since we will in a built up area that used to be farms and small holdings it's such a treat to see & hear them but it was like he was sent from hell to piss me off...

Ya and 6am Kayla was ready to eat again!! No hope of sleeping in with her as I have a client coming to fetch from stuff from me at 9am ... so off to shower I go!

YAWN

Kayla rolled

My very clever little girl rolled for the first time yesterday.. ok so she was on her tummy on a pillow but I think the fact that she did it 3 times yesterday and twice today is no coincidence!!

I'm a lucky girl.

Last night my hubby gave me the ring I designed for myself for when I had a baby. It is so beautiful. Granted it's 2 months late and partly my birthday pressie (from Aug) and I had to take it to the jeweller to show him what I wanted but hubby surprised me with it last night.

My friend is a jeweller, he made my engagement ring and now this one.. he did such an amazing job!!

Been trying to take a photo of it so I could post it but it comes out a blur!

Feeling a little down..

Wanted to blog about this yesterday but have been trying to get a big quote out and the in-wars came for dinner.

Kayla turned 10 weeks yesterday - double digits - and I'm feeling so down about it. I feel like I have missed something. When did she get so big, when did she outgrow her new born clothes, when did she miss out on wearing so many of her 0 - 3 month winter clothes?

She is too adorable and she becomes more and more alert and active every day which is so amazing but it scares the crap out of me that before I look again she will be all grown up and bringing boyfriends home to meet us. Gosh I hope I do a good job with her, and that she will grow up to be a beautiful, well mannered, happy woman.

Had a good giggle

So yesterday afternoon my husband came home just in time to feed Kayla, she had a lovely long afternoon nap (which I have been working hard on getting her to do) so she was all smiles.

So my hubby picks her up to feed her and she starts crying but like serious temper tantrum (think she gets that from me). So he puts her down and she stops. So I ask him why he is not feeding her and he says beacuse she does not want to be handled she just wants to be left alone.

So I say well no actually she needs to be fed. So pick her up to feed her and she drinks, so I pass her back to him and she cries again, he passes her back and she drinks.. He then walks out to water the garden muttering "well she's all anti-me today".

So later on I ask him to bath her and she moans and groans, the minute I go in to help him she stops.. so while he is on the phone to his mom later in the evening I hear him tell her that Kayla is anti-him and only has eyes for me, and maybe it's because he does not handle her enough. So deep down in my heart I feel for him but also love the feeling as it just proved my point from our fight that he needs to spend more time with her when he has it.

he he he

Date Night Disaster..

My husband & I have not felt connected for a while now. Kayla takes up so much of my time & energy these days so by the time he gets home I truly do not have the strength to try be lovey dovey or overly interested in sex (yes this blog post may contain TMI so I apologise now).

So I decided last wek after being annoyed by his attitude when he gets home that we should go on a date night. I took Kayla to my mom, went home & got all dressed up. I was so excited about the upcoming evening.
We went to buy movie tickets (I chose) and then went for dinner. While at dinner I asked hom what was wrong as I would like to clear the air & try work on what ever it is I have done that has made him to anti-me. We hardly spoke through dinner, I shed some tears & he told me he is sick of the same fights year after year so he did not want to talk about it (fat load of good that does hey?).
We finished dinner in silence, bought cold drinks & pop corn in silence & watched My Sisters Keeper in silence. We fetched Kayla in silence & went home in silence.

Kayla fussed for hours after we got home. We snapped at eachother saying ugly things for a while & eventually at 1am I went to sort Kayla out & when I got to bed I switched on the light & told him to pack a bag on Sat morning & go stay with my cousin's husband / his parents & decide if he would like to work at it or just not talk about it and be miserable for ever - of course he took it the wrong way that I was telling him to move out & that he was the one with the problem when it was me.

Anyway we spoke & I cried till 2am where we decided to make a go at it.

My issues are:
- I do everything around the house & therefore feel like a domestic worker
- He will fins any excuse to go out on weekends & does not spend the little time he has with his baby girl
- Maybe if he helped more round the house I would show him more TLC

His issues are:
- I show him no affection
- I never want to have sex (I am not an overly sexual person, never have, never will be)
- If I am more affectionate / passionate he may help more round the house

Do you see the problem here?
I am happy to be affectionate but when ever i am it is seen as a sign that we must have sex so I get put off, if I kiss him he thinks we should have sex, if I hug him he thinks we should have sex..

MEN AND SEX!!!

Anyway we both agreed to work harder on what the other one expects & we'll see how that goes.

But since he had already made plans for this weekend, he went to watch rugby with the boys so Kayla & I went to me mom's. Tomorrow he is going at 4am fishing with some guys from work, so Kayla & I will be alone AGAIN! He promised not to do it again.

Oh well tonight we made our fav meal together, bathed Kayla together & are going to watch some DVD's. Oh & since I will have to do the 4am feed tomorrow morning he agreed to do it on Monday morning..

I know all this is very private and personal & should probably not be shared with 'strangers' but it is something I needed to re-live.
I truly love my husband & last night I has visions of trying to explain to Kayla why her mom & dad could not make it work when she was only 2 months old & how I would be able to afford to live alone as a single mom & how I would cope if he fought for full custody...

But so happy I did not have to go through any of that & am thankful that we can put our crap aside & try sort it out! Especially for Kayla's sake.

Angel Son in Heaven

On the 19th of June 2008 I was in DBN for work after being involved in my BA flights crash landing due to bad weather the previous day, my flight home was very delayed and the BA staff who has assisted me the previos day were so good to me (being 18 weeks pregnant and all), they arranged for me to wait in the BA loung for my 4 hour delayed flight and while sitting there so greatfull the previous day's events had not brought harm to my baby and I.

My gynae calls regarding the routine blood tests I had done the previous week, he says "The downs test came back fine, spinabifida came back fine but (by this stage I don't hear much at all and heard something like) the trisomy bla bla bla not so good I want you to go see a specialist who will probably do an amnio" I ask him what this means and he mentions something to do with chomosomes, abnormalities bla bla bla..
I call my husband in a state (he is so positive) he tells me to relax we'll deal with it, it will all be fine. I call my mom who is also very upset. Anyway I make an app with the specialist while sitting in the BA lounge for 2 weeks later (that is the soonest I can see him).

The BA lady gets me on a SAA flight that leaves immediatley so I can get home to my family. This is my first pregnancy so I don't know about abnormalities. I cry myself to sleep and cry in bed the next day while my mom lies with me to comfort me. What does this Trisomy something or other mean? I call the Prof's office (the specialist) and speak to his assistant who tells me that it is a chomosomal defect and that in many cases the risks from the bloods are low and the baby will be fine, in other cases they are higher and you may have the baby but they are normally deformed and don't live very long, or they do not make it through the pregnancy & they normally recommend termination. I at least now had a small idea of what this all meant. I sobbed and sobbed.

My husband refused to believe all this and thought the baby would be fine.. we had been told by many Dr's it was a girl. I in the mean time was trying to come to terms with the worst case. I then found a wonderful website www.trisomy18.org which gave full details and other people's stories. I showed this to my husband who then broke down and cried - I felt so crewel but I had to make him see what we were delaing with and make him see that we may be faced with a very important decision.

From 15 weeks I noticed the baby was not growing properly and from the scan I had after the plane crash the baby's weight was less than half of what it should have been and every week we moved forward the baby was a week behind.

On the 26th of June 2008 I saw the Prof and he did a detailed scan and told us he does not like the look of things, the baby's hands were folded into eachother, the head was strawberry shaped, the baby did not have much of a chin and had a pigeon chest and he would like to do an amnio. Which we agreed to. He said I should be fine and should take it easy for the next day or so. The next morning I woke up and my bed was wet - I was leaking amniotic fluid! WHAT NEXT!?!? I called my gynae and the Prof 2 days later as it persisted and they both insisted I have strict bed rest till we get the amnio results. On Monday the 30th of June 2008 my gynae & the Prof called to tell me my baby BOY did infact have Trisomy 18 / Edwards Syndrome and they both recommended termination as it was a non viable fetus and with the leaking I was only putting myself through more than I needed to.

On the 2nd of July 2008 (20 weeks) I was admitted into a private room (I was very lucky as the head nurse & other staff were very sympathetic), at 08h00 my gynae inserted 2 tablets and told me that it should take between 4 - 6 hours and I would start having cramps and I would go into labour (yes it is so mean and horrid to think that I have to go through natural labour beacuse I have decided to kill my baby & the ethical side of termination is still there) and he'll see me when that happens and I can go home that evening. So 4 hours later I start with mild contractions and by 17h00 nothing happened except I was now bleeding a lot and what ever amniotic fluid that was left was gone and the cramps become less.. he inserted another 2 tablets. My husband and mother never left my side. My husband slept at a friend's house who lived next to the hospital incase something happened during the night. I was passing huge clots but no baby. The next morning same thing: 2 internal pills and now 4 oral pills every 2 hours. No cramps, no delivery.
The emotional rollercoaster I went through everytime they insert the tablets beacuse I had to to emotionally and mentally prepare myself for what I was doing to my unborn son. By day 3 my husband and I were exhausted, I was so tired of being pocked and prodded, my privates were no longer my own. My gynae brought another 2 Dr's to consult on my case as the tablets should have worked ages ago. They tell me that they recommend surgically removing the baby (like a DNC) as I can not go on physically and emotionally as I was. I was bleeding badly and they were worried about infection. Why could they have not done this to start with beacuse by now I was an emotional wreck!? They tried one other method by drip and by 12h00 on the 4th of July 2008 (3 days before my husband's birthday) I was wheeled into theatre and my little baby boy Brayden (meaning Called of God) was removed from my body.
I woke up asking for the foot prints we had asked them to do and cried un controlably for hours before finally falling asleep. By 19h00 my gynae came to see me and discharged me.

10 days later my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and had to force myself to get up & 'get over' my issues to be there for her. It was the hardest time of life & with losing my father a year before all this happened I was all my mom had!

I have never in my life felt so let down, heart broken, sad, angry, helpless & lost. I cried myself to sleep for 2 months solid, hardly ate or slept & finally after a mild breakdown went to aks for help. I saw a psychologist who did absolute wonders for me and made me realise that I was shelving all my issues and moving onto the next crisis. I had not dealt with the loss of my dad (Feb 2007) and therefore woul never be able to deal with the loss of my baby and the alsmost loss of my mother..

Braden Alexander was due in November 2008. At the end of October 2008 I found out I was pregnant again! It made that November so much easier! This new little life was due in the same week we lost Brayden (July 2009) and I realised how great God is to have completed the circle of life for me!

Today I hold my precious Kayla Bayley Shaw in my arms and think about her big brother Brayden & know God had his plan. He needed Brayden in Heaven with him more than I needed him down here & that Brayden would forever me my gardian angel and that Kayla now will forever have that angel with her. One day I know I will meet my Angel Son Brayden in Heavan & he and I will hug and laugh and talk about all the things I have wanted to say to him.

Brayden my beautiful PERFECT Angel Boy up in Heaven with God I love, I will always love you, I will treasure the time that you & I had together, know one else will ever know what it was like to have you inside me. I miss you & I pray that one day I will get to hold you in my arms like I dreamt those 20 weeks. I love my baby boy.

2 months old today

Kayla is 2 months old today & it comes with serious mixed emotions.

Firstly I can't beleive she is growing so fast.

Secondly I look back at the day she was born & the few weeks after & wonder to myself 'was I a terrible mother for not having all the feelings you see mommies have on TV or in books or magazines?'

When Kayla arrived via c-section on 1 July 2009 at 10h30 weighing 3.26kg & measuring 50cm tall I did not feel an instant love or bond with her. I felt bad about it & wondered why the feelings where just not there. I have come to realise after talking to my friends on OPM & a few of my friends that it is so normal, looking back I feel guilty about it & sonehow wish knowing what I know now that I could go back in time 2 months & do those first few weeks all over again.

I have dreamed about being a mom my whole life & after losing Brayden I felt such a love for Kayla while I was pregnant, but the minute I saw her I was so overwhelmed with feelings, mixed feelings at that. Of course I loved her but not the love that makes your heart want to jump out your body or makes you feel like you will never let this little baby out your sight. I could not wait to get some me time, some time to rest & when I was home Wayne was on leave & every chance I got I gave Kayla to him to feed, change, bath, cuddle etc etc etc

I can honestly say that I now have that love, that real love feeling where my heart feels like it could burst, I can hardly bare anyone touching or holding my baby, I hate the thought of going to bed (not beacuse of the restless night that may lay ahead) but beacuse I miss her, truly miss my baby while she sleeps like an angel in the next room.

I am so glad I feel this way now (sooner rather than later) & hope Kayla knows she is my world, my entire world & without her i could just not survive!

Happy 2 montsh my angel girl. Mommy loves you with her entire world!

Where it all began..

So my precious baby girl Kayla is 2 months old today. I can not wrap my mind around the fact that this time 2 months ago I was looking at this tiny little being & wondering what the hell to do with her.
Even though she was very planned & for as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a mom I was so overwhelmed with feelings.

Wayne & I tried for baby number 1 in Sept 2007, I went off the pill & patiently waited every month NOT to have a period, month after month I was devestated that it had not happened yet, but in March 2008 I was late, 5 days late. 2 pee tests showed negative & finally after blood tests it was confirmed that I was about 4 1/2 weeks pregnant. We told our parents (except my dad who had already passed away but I knew he knew & was happy), our family & friends & we planned & talked about the future we would have. The following week my mom & I went down to KZN to scatter my dad's ashes which was heart breaking but the closer my mom & I both desperately needed.

At 18 weeks blood tests reveiled that my baby may have Trisomy18.. what is that you ask? In short it's a chromosomal abnormality. Not knowing what it meant I was refered to a Fetal Sepcialist (Prof E Nicolaou) who I could olny see over a week later, he showed us on a scan that our baby was not developing & after an amnio it showed that our SON did in fact have Trisomy18. It was recomended that we terminate. Which we did at 20 weeks (July 2008).

Devestated & heart broken we tried again not to replace our angel son Brayden but to give him a brother or sister. In October 2008 after being late again I went for blood tests which showed I was pregnant, very scared, excited, nervous, anxious & any other feeling imaginable we told our parents, we decided to keep this pregnancy a secret for a few weeks so we could enjoy the moment and work through our own feelings. We told family & friends 2 weeks later.

Today I listen to my baby girl Kayla Bayley Shaw playing in her cot & wonder how I survived the past year!

Virgin Blogger...

So I'm a virgin blogger & have been told blogging a great way to express yourself.. I'm a very private person & like my deep dark feeling to be my own but maybe blogging will be some sort of therapy as I have lots of off load..
I may not always blog about my beautiful daughter Kayla but also about me, my past & present & the trauma's & triumphs I have been through.