Looking back

I have been looking back the last year or so of my life and so much has happened and so much has changed.
I have lost some good friends due to losing my baby as I as a person and a friend changed.
I have made so many new friends, mainly from OPM who I wonder how I would get through a day without.

I have become that much closer to my husband as we experienced the joys of finding out we were pregnant and then having to go through chosing to take our own babies life for his own good and then experiencing being pregnant again and all the fears, anguish and excitement that went along with that.
We also welcomed our beautiful Kayla into this world and although having a baby brings you and a spouse or partner closer the honeymoon soon fades and the sleep deprevation and all the other things that come along with a new born, set in and every opportunity you have as a couple to spend alone time and find your intimacy again you use to catch up on a few zzzzz's before the next feed or dreaded cries in the night and no sleeping again!

My mother and I have become so much closer than we already were when I lost my dad, but some how me losing my baby and her knowing exactly what I was going through as she carried her first baby girl full term and having her still born due to the cord being wrapped round her leg too many time somehow made me respect what my mom has been through that little bit more. The 2 weeks after us having to get through that ordeal my mother being diagnosed with breat cancer just seemed too unfair after all the loss and suffering we as a family had already experienced. I stood by my mom's bedside in the hospital from the early hours of each monring to the late hours of each night while still trying to grieve my little baby Brayden.

It makes me realise how strong a person can be if they have to be and mader me realise how important family is and how close I came to losing my mom too.

Being an only child makes you realise that even though you have cousin's who are like sisters they are NOT, and having cousin's who tell you all the time you are their little sister when in fact you are really NOT. As I was the only one to help my mom through losing my dad, I was the only one who could plan a funeral for my dad, I was the only one who could help my mom find a new place to live and pack up 34 years of her life in the house she lived in with my dad and move her to a new place. I am the only one who can sit by my mom's bedside for 9 solid days while she had her mastectomy and the only one who 'really' cared how she showered, what she ate, when she would go see specialist, go for follow ups with the surgeon, sit with her through 6 months chemo etc. Only me, no one else!

But I know all the loss and heartache I have suffered has made me a better person, a stronger person and the fact that I have a down day here and there is ok beacuse I am always the pillar, I am always the rock, so I am entitled to feel a little pity once in a while, feel a little down and depressed and cry for no good reason...

A friend said to me last week, the past 2 years of you life have been like a movie - yet you have survived it all and are still standing today. I am thankful to God for that and for the love I have felt and received from some unexpected friends and some great family. I too have 'mourned' the loss of some good friends who I don't seem to be on the same page as anymore, and although we regularly see eachother our friendships were clearly never strong enought to with stand my experiences of the past year.

Looking back I realise I am me. I am me and I need to put myself above others once in a while!