2 months old today

Kayla is 2 months old today & it comes with serious mixed emotions.

Firstly I can't beleive she is growing so fast.

Secondly I look back at the day she was born & the few weeks after & wonder to myself 'was I a terrible mother for not having all the feelings you see mommies have on TV or in books or magazines?'

When Kayla arrived via c-section on 1 July 2009 at 10h30 weighing 3.26kg & measuring 50cm tall I did not feel an instant love or bond with her. I felt bad about it & wondered why the feelings where just not there. I have come to realise after talking to my friends on OPM & a few of my friends that it is so normal, looking back I feel guilty about it & sonehow wish knowing what I know now that I could go back in time 2 months & do those first few weeks all over again.

I have dreamed about being a mom my whole life & after losing Brayden I felt such a love for Kayla while I was pregnant, but the minute I saw her I was so overwhelmed with feelings, mixed feelings at that. Of course I loved her but not the love that makes your heart want to jump out your body or makes you feel like you will never let this little baby out your sight. I could not wait to get some me time, some time to rest & when I was home Wayne was on leave & every chance I got I gave Kayla to him to feed, change, bath, cuddle etc etc etc

I can honestly say that I now have that love, that real love feeling where my heart feels like it could burst, I can hardly bare anyone touching or holding my baby, I hate the thought of going to bed (not beacuse of the restless night that may lay ahead) but beacuse I miss her, truly miss my baby while she sleeps like an angel in the next room.

I am so glad I feel this way now (sooner rather than later) & hope Kayla knows she is my world, my entire world & without her i could just not survive!

Happy 2 montsh my angel girl. Mommy loves you with her entire world!