Looking back (part 2)

I wish I could go back in time knowing what I know now about being a mother and having a baby of my very won.

When I was pregnant I think I was living in la la land and had this 'ideal' perspective of how it would be to have a little baby of my very own but boy did I get a shock!

Knowing what I know now, I wish I could go back to that day, the day my beautiful child was brought into this world, I think I would have enjoyed it more.

I had such a bond and such love for Kayla while she was moving and growing inside me, but the min I heard her cry for the first time I had none of the feelings described in books, described in other birth stories, how I had imagined it and it scared the hell out of me. I looked at her, watched her dad and paed tend to her, I held her and looked at her, she was squashed and looked nothing like I imagined her to look.

When I got back to my room I was so thirsty and tired and my husband could now wait to bring our no name brand little girl to me to kiss and cuddle. I held her and looked at her and kind of through well thanks you can put her back in the nursery now. I had imagined I would not want to let her out of my site, I asked a million times to my ante natal class lasy and the nurses how long would I have to wait after the theatre to see her, yet I was there with her and did not examine her finger, ask if she had 10 toes, run my finger along her profile.. none of it. What the hell was wrong with me!!?!?!?

My hospital stay was not as I had imagined it was busy, rushed, no time to day time naps, or long drawn out visits. I was showered with gifts and well wishes. Day 3 and the baby blues set in. I could not imagine what I would do with this little thing when I got home, how would I look after her, how would I know what to do, what if she does not like me or her room?

The first 3 weeks went past in a blur or no sleep, a burning caesar cut that had an infected stitch, emotions of a who knows what, the flu, screaming baby all the time, a baby who hardly slept, i was to adamint I would so this like that or that like this or not like that but biy did Kayla have other plans for her over organised mommy. I can not tell you that I actually experienced any true love for her for a while, and after 2 weeks when my husband went back to work I was petrified to be alone with her. I can tell you come 4 / 5 weeks I could say I started to have some kind of feelings for her and shame of having to say that 'out loud' kills me! I thought there was something wrong with me! Every chance I got I palmed her off to someone else to hold her or feed her, I thought i would have to fight with my husband to hold her but I didn't.

I feel very very guilty and ashamed and bad for those feelings but I can truly say that I LOVE my daughter, I am over protective, no one can do for her like I can do for her, I do not want to let her out of my site, I look forward to waking in the night so I can see her and kiss her one more time, on weekends when my husband has night duty I miss her terribly and will often sneak in while he is feeding her steal a little smooch, when she sleps in the day I miss her and i can stare at her little angelic face while she sleeps for hours on end and look awe of what I have been blessed with.

I think those early feeling where serious feelings of being overwhelmed of coming to terms with the fact that my life was not mine any longer. I grieved the loss of my time, and doing things when I wanted to.
No more sitting in a bubble bath for hours, no more eating when I was hungry I ate when I could steal a few moments to put better on a slice of bread and I would fold it as many times as I could to fit it in my mouth so I would not waste precious time eating, if my phone rang or I want to chat to a friend it was not possible if Kayla was or is due a feed, or a nappy change or a sleep. She comes first over and above everything else I wish you could do or want to do at a specific time.
Daddy does not have the instinct, the love the over protection quite like a mommy has and it's hard to deal with that too.

But when I look into those beautiful blue eyes of my little angel girl I realise what the saying means 'My heart could burst with love'. I understand NOW what my mom used to say to me, "you will understand why I say this, or do that, or have a rule like that when you have a child of your own" I hated when she said that but I truly understand!

So ya that is why knowing what I now know about being a mom why I wish I could go back and redo the first 2 months of Kayla's life beacuse I know what is coming, I know what to expect and maybe I would have felt differently. I hope Kayla grows up to know and understand how much I love her, that I would give my life for hers and that forever and ever I will move heaven and earth to help her.