Thursday, April 1, 2010

9 months

Oh my word where has the time gone?! My angel child is 9 months old today.

A close friend had her second baby this week and when we went to see her in the hospital (the same one I had kayla in) it brought back soooo many menories (good and bad).
I have looked at so many photos from when Kayla was born and reminiced and thought back and realised how far I have come as a woman and a mother.

I love Kayla with all my heart and soul and would never exchange her for anything, I would give my heart for her to survive and the love I feel is so hard to put into words.

She is crawling up a storm (since feb) and cruises along all the furniture, says 'babababababa' and mumumumum (think that means mom). She is 9.25kg, 70cm tall and such a little star.

Went for sleep training yesterday and will officially start on Monday (after the long weekend) but have kind of started with the basics so by Monday she will know what I am talking about.
She is not a bad sleeper at night she pretty much sleeps through but it's the rocking in the day and the time I waste doing it, she needs to learn to fall asleep on her own and not rely on me so much, I think it will do her and me a whole lot of good - think it's gonna be tough but we'll get there.

Will keep you posted...

Monday, February 1, 2010

3 YEARS

3 years ago today mt dad passed away and mine & my mom's world fell apart. 3 years later I look back and the feelings I felt that very day are still very much there.

I miss my dad so much especially now that Kayla is here as I know he would have loved her so much.

I'm making all my dad's favourites for dinner tonight and my mom is coming for dinner! We do this every year. My dad loved Castle beer, steak , onion rings, chips (not soggy they must be crispy) and so that's what we having tonight!

Dad I love you today and every day and mis syou soooo much! I know you watching down on my from Heaven where I know you are at peace, not suffering and happy and I thank God for the time I did get to share with you. I love you daddy!

Monday, January 18, 2010

NAUGHTY MOMMY!! :-)

Naught mommy I gave Kayla Ice-cream for dinner last night. She has been so off the last few days and yesterday she was a total nightmare, she was whining and moaning non stop, she screamed through dinner and refused to eat anything that I made her (even her favourites), I eventually thought maybe her teeth were sore and my hubby had bought me a Magnum so the thought let me let her have some!

She loved it, screamed every time I took it away. The pictures where priceless

NAUGHTY MOMMY!

Post baby regrets

I love my little Kayla will all my heart and while reading through the OPM posts I notice so many ladies have had babies recently and it's so nice to see our OPM family grow.

But I keep having these post baby regrets, I am not actually sure of regret is the right word but I feel alot of guilt of how I felt and should have felt and did not feel after she was born.
Every time someone else goes in for their turn I try relive my experience of having Kayla in hope that the feelings I missed out on suddenly appear.

Everytime I hear a new mommy say how in love with their newborn they are my heart sinks. Don't get me wrong here, I did love my newborn but I feel I could have and should have loved her more, it took me a good month or so to be able to honestly say I LOVE HER.
I think with her Colic and my PND and her reflux and her non exsistent sleeping habits I was tired, frustrated and flat out not loving this creature that God blessed me with who was making me suffer so much.

Everytime I look at Kayla now I love her more and more even though each day ends and I can't imagine loving her any more, I can not imagine my life without her and I would give my own life to spare hers and I know that is all the matters but I feel like I missed out, I missed out on all the gushyness and that I maybe had too many expectations for myself and my new born that I lost the moments that you only have once in your life.

I am not sure if this post is making sence but I have had these feelings rolling around in my head for a while and finally have found a moment to put them all down.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

My Little Girl is 5 Months old

Where have the last 5 months gone?
Kayla is so beautiful and I'm not saying that just beacuse I am her mommy but she really is. She is a happy baby who smiles at anyone who looks at her and she brings such joy and love to my life. Without her I am not sure where I would be today.

It's true a child really does make your life complete.

* Kayla is eating veggies at night and has started cereal and fruit in the morning. She is not a fan of paw paw which she tried this morning, poor baby was about to vomit all over the place.

* She is sitting like a champ and very seldome falls over unless she gets very excited

* She is rolling from her back to front and is not really wanting to roll from front to back but get irritated on her tummy.

* She holds her bottle if she feels like it and moves so much in her cot she ends up sleeping in funny possitions.

* She has spent a night at my MIL's house and I survived but so did she (well done mommy!!)

* She is also managing to put her dummy back in her mouth but sees it more as a game now that a nececity.

* Today she even passed her dummy and a toy from one hand to the other.

* She weighs 7.22kg



Monday, November 9, 2009

A tribute to my angel son



This week coming would have been Brayden's first birthday.



When we lost him I wanted to plant a yellow rose bush in his memory (Yellow roses are my favourite!) but I just never got round to it.

This weekend while looking for plants for my garden I found one yellow std rose bush left on sale. I bought it and planted it. It had one small bud on it when I planted it and this morning it had 3 beautiful yellow roses on it!



Happy birthday my beautiful perfect little boy! You will forever be in our hearts and in our minds.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Looking back (part 2)

I wish I could go back in time knowing what I know now about being a mother and having a baby of my very won.

When I was pregnant I think I was living in la la land and had this 'ideal' perspective of how it would be to have a little baby of my very own but boy did I get a shock!

Knowing what I know now, I wish I could go back to that day, the day my beautiful child was brought into this world, I think I would have enjoyed it more.

I had such a bond and such love for Kayla while she was moving and growing inside me, but the min I heard her cry for the first time I had none of the feelings described in books, described in other birth stories, how I had imagined it and it scared the hell out of me. I looked at her, watched her dad and paed tend to her, I held her and looked at her, she was squashed and looked nothing like I imagined her to look.

When I got back to my room I was so thirsty and tired and my husband could now wait to bring our no name brand little girl to me to kiss and cuddle. I held her and looked at her and kind of through well thanks you can put her back in the nursery now. I had imagined I would not want to let her out of my site, I asked a million times to my ante natal class lasy and the nurses how long would I have to wait after the theatre to see her, yet I was there with her and did not examine her finger, ask if she had 10 toes, run my finger along her profile.. none of it. What the hell was wrong with me!!?!?!?

My hospital stay was not as I had imagined it was busy, rushed, no time to day time naps, or long drawn out visits. I was showered with gifts and well wishes. Day 3 and the baby blues set in. I could not imagine what I would do with this little thing when I got home, how would I look after her, how would I know what to do, what if she does not like me or her room?

The first 3 weeks went past in a blur or no sleep, a burning caesar cut that had an infected stitch, emotions of a who knows what, the flu, screaming baby all the time, a baby who hardly slept, i was to adamint I would so this like that or that like this or not like that but biy did Kayla have other plans for her over organised mommy. I can not tell you that I actually experienced any true love for her for a while, and after 2 weeks when my husband went back to work I was petrified to be alone with her. I can tell you come 4 / 5 weeks I could say I started to have some kind of feelings for her and shame of having to say that 'out loud' kills me! I thought there was something wrong with me! Every chance I got I palmed her off to someone else to hold her or feed her, I thought i would have to fight with my husband to hold her but I didn't.

I feel very very guilty and ashamed and bad for those feelings but I can truly say that I LOVE my daughter, I am over protective, no one can do for her like I can do for her, I do not want to let her out of my site, I look forward to waking in the night so I can see her and kiss her one more time, on weekends when my husband has night duty I miss her terribly and will often sneak in while he is feeding her steal a little smooch, when she sleps in the day I miss her and i can stare at her little angelic face while she sleeps for hours on end and look awe of what I have been blessed with.

I think those early feeling where serious feelings of being overwhelmed of coming to terms with the fact that my life was not mine any longer. I grieved the loss of my time, and doing things when I wanted to.
No more sitting in a bubble bath for hours, no more eating when I was hungry I ate when I could steal a few moments to put better on a slice of bread and I would fold it as many times as I could to fit it in my mouth so I would not waste precious time eating, if my phone rang or I want to chat to a friend it was not possible if Kayla was or is due a feed, or a nappy change or a sleep. She comes first over and above everything else I wish you could do or want to do at a specific time.
Daddy does not have the instinct, the love the over protection quite like a mommy has and it's hard to deal with that too.

But when I look into those beautiful blue eyes of my little angel girl I realise what the saying means 'My heart could burst with love'. I understand NOW what my mom used to say to me, "you will understand why I say this, or do that, or have a rule like that when you have a child of your own" I hated when she said that but I truly understand!

So ya that is why knowing what I now know about being a mom why I wish I could go back and redo the first 2 months of Kayla's life beacuse I know what is coming, I know what to expect and maybe I would have felt differently. I hope Kayla grows up to know and understand how much I love her, that I would give my life for hers and that forever and ever I will move heaven and earth to help her.