I wish I could go back in time knowing what I know now about being a mother and having a baby of my very won.
When I was pregnant I think I was living in la la land and had this 'ideal' perspective of how it would be to have a little baby of my very own but boy did I get a shock!
Knowing what I know now, I wish I could go back to that day, the day my beautiful child was brought into this world, I think I would have enjoyed it more.
I had such a bond and such love for Kayla while she was moving and growing inside me, but the min I heard her cry for the first time I had none of the feelings described in books, described in other birth stories, how I had imagined it and it scared the hell out of me. I looked at her, watched her dad and paed tend to her, I held her and looked at her, she was squashed and looked nothing like I imagined her to look.
When I got back to my room I was so thirsty and tired and my husband could now wait to bring our no name brand little girl to me to kiss and cuddle. I held her and looked at her and kind of through well thanks you can put her back in the nursery now. I had imagined I would not want to let her out of my site, I asked a million times to my ante natal class lasy and the nurses how long would I have to wait after the theatre to see her, yet I was there with her and did not examine her finger, ask if she had 10 toes, run my finger along her profile.. none of it. What the hell was wrong with me!!?!?!?
My hospital stay was not as I had imagined it was busy, rushed, no time to day time naps, or long drawn out visits. I was showered with gifts and well wishes. Day 3 and the baby blues set in. I could not imagine what I would do with this little thing when I got home, how would I look after her, how would I know what to do, what if she does not like me or her room?
The first 3 weeks went past in a blur or no sleep, a burning caesar cut that had an infected stitch, emotions of a who knows what, the flu, screaming baby all the time, a baby who hardly slept, i was to adamint I would so this like that or that like this or not like that but biy did Kayla have other plans for her over organised mommy. I can not tell you that I actually experienced any true love for her for a while, and after 2 weeks when my husband went back to work I was petrified to be alone with her. I can tell you come 4 / 5 weeks I could say I started to have some kind of feelings for her and shame of having to say that 'out loud' kills me! I thought there was something wrong with me! Every chance I got I palmed her off to someone else to hold her or feed her, I thought i would have to fight with my husband to hold her but I didn't.
I feel very very guilty and ashamed and bad for those feelings but I can truly say that I LOVE my daughter, I am over protective, no one can do for her like I can do for her, I do not want to let her out of my site, I look forward to waking in the night so I can see her and kiss her one more time, on weekends when my husband has night duty I miss her terribly and will often sneak in while he is feeding her steal a little smooch, when she sleps in the day I miss her and i can stare at her little angelic face while she sleeps for hours on end and look awe of what I have been blessed with.
I think those early feeling where serious feelings of being overwhelmed of coming to terms with the fact that my life was not mine any longer. I grieved the loss of my time, and doing things when I wanted to.
No more sitting in a bubble bath for hours, no more eating when I was hungry I ate when I could steal a few moments to put better on a slice of bread and I would fold it as many times as I could to fit it in my mouth so I would not waste precious time eating, if my phone rang or I want to chat to a friend it was not possible if Kayla was or is due a feed, or a nappy change or a sleep. She comes first over and above everything else I wish you could do or want to do at a specific time.
Daddy does not have the instinct, the love the over protection quite like a mommy has and it's hard to deal with that too.
But when I look into those beautiful blue eyes of my little angel girl I realise what the saying means 'My heart could burst with love'. I understand NOW what my mom used to say to me, "you will understand why I say this, or do that, or have a rule like that when you have a child of your own" I hated when she said that but I truly understand!
So ya that is why knowing what I now know about being a mom why I wish I could go back and redo the first 2 months of Kayla's life beacuse I know what is coming, I know what to expect and maybe I would have felt differently. I hope Kayla grows up to know and understand how much I love her, that I would give my life for hers and that forever and ever I will move heaven and earth to help her.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Looking back
I have been looking back the last year or so of my life and so much has happened and so much has changed.
I have lost some good friends due to losing my baby as I as a person and a friend changed.
I have made so many new friends, mainly from OPM who I wonder how I would get through a day without.
I have become that much closer to my husband as we experienced the joys of finding out we were pregnant and then having to go through chosing to take our own babies life for his own good and then experiencing being pregnant again and all the fears, anguish and excitement that went along with that.
We also welcomed our beautiful Kayla into this world and although having a baby brings you and a spouse or partner closer the honeymoon soon fades and the sleep deprevation and all the other things that come along with a new born, set in and every opportunity you have as a couple to spend alone time and find your intimacy again you use to catch up on a few zzzzz's before the next feed or dreaded cries in the night and no sleeping again!
My mother and I have become so much closer than we already were when I lost my dad, but some how me losing my baby and her knowing exactly what I was going through as she carried her first baby girl full term and having her still born due to the cord being wrapped round her leg too many time somehow made me respect what my mom has been through that little bit more. The 2 weeks after us having to get through that ordeal my mother being diagnosed with breat cancer just seemed too unfair after all the loss and suffering we as a family had already experienced. I stood by my mom's bedside in the hospital from the early hours of each monring to the late hours of each night while still trying to grieve my little baby Brayden.
It makes me realise how strong a person can be if they have to be and mader me realise how important family is and how close I came to losing my mom too.
Being an only child makes you realise that even though you have cousin's who are like sisters they are NOT, and having cousin's who tell you all the time you are their little sister when in fact you are really NOT. As I was the only one to help my mom through losing my dad, I was the only one who could plan a funeral for my dad, I was the only one who could help my mom find a new place to live and pack up 34 years of her life in the house she lived in with my dad and move her to a new place. I am the only one who can sit by my mom's bedside for 9 solid days while she had her mastectomy and the only one who 'really' cared how she showered, what she ate, when she would go see specialist, go for follow ups with the surgeon, sit with her through 6 months chemo etc. Only me, no one else!
But I know all the loss and heartache I have suffered has made me a better person, a stronger person and the fact that I have a down day here and there is ok beacuse I am always the pillar, I am always the rock, so I am entitled to feel a little pity once in a while, feel a little down and depressed and cry for no good reason...
A friend said to me last week, the past 2 years of you life have been like a movie - yet you have survived it all and are still standing today. I am thankful to God for that and for the love I have felt and received from some unexpected friends and some great family. I too have 'mourned' the loss of some good friends who I don't seem to be on the same page as anymore, and although we regularly see eachother our friendships were clearly never strong enought to with stand my experiences of the past year.
Looking back I realise I am me. I am me and I need to put myself above others once in a while!
I have lost some good friends due to losing my baby as I as a person and a friend changed.
I have made so many new friends, mainly from OPM who I wonder how I would get through a day without.
I have become that much closer to my husband as we experienced the joys of finding out we were pregnant and then having to go through chosing to take our own babies life for his own good and then experiencing being pregnant again and all the fears, anguish and excitement that went along with that.
We also welcomed our beautiful Kayla into this world and although having a baby brings you and a spouse or partner closer the honeymoon soon fades and the sleep deprevation and all the other things that come along with a new born, set in and every opportunity you have as a couple to spend alone time and find your intimacy again you use to catch up on a few zzzzz's before the next feed or dreaded cries in the night and no sleeping again!
My mother and I have become so much closer than we already were when I lost my dad, but some how me losing my baby and her knowing exactly what I was going through as she carried her first baby girl full term and having her still born due to the cord being wrapped round her leg too many time somehow made me respect what my mom has been through that little bit more. The 2 weeks after us having to get through that ordeal my mother being diagnosed with breat cancer just seemed too unfair after all the loss and suffering we as a family had already experienced. I stood by my mom's bedside in the hospital from the early hours of each monring to the late hours of each night while still trying to grieve my little baby Brayden.
It makes me realise how strong a person can be if they have to be and mader me realise how important family is and how close I came to losing my mom too.
Being an only child makes you realise that even though you have cousin's who are like sisters they are NOT, and having cousin's who tell you all the time you are their little sister when in fact you are really NOT. As I was the only one to help my mom through losing my dad, I was the only one who could plan a funeral for my dad, I was the only one who could help my mom find a new place to live and pack up 34 years of her life in the house she lived in with my dad and move her to a new place. I am the only one who can sit by my mom's bedside for 9 solid days while she had her mastectomy and the only one who 'really' cared how she showered, what she ate, when she would go see specialist, go for follow ups with the surgeon, sit with her through 6 months chemo etc. Only me, no one else!
But I know all the loss and heartache I have suffered has made me a better person, a stronger person and the fact that I have a down day here and there is ok beacuse I am always the pillar, I am always the rock, so I am entitled to feel a little pity once in a while, feel a little down and depressed and cry for no good reason...
A friend said to me last week, the past 2 years of you life have been like a movie - yet you have survived it all and are still standing today. I am thankful to God for that and for the love I have felt and received from some unexpected friends and some great family. I too have 'mourned' the loss of some good friends who I don't seem to be on the same page as anymore, and although we regularly see eachother our friendships were clearly never strong enought to with stand my experiences of the past year.
Looking back I realise I am me. I am me and I need to put myself above others once in a while!
Friday, October 2, 2009
I need to start dealing with my MIL issues & soon!
I know my MIL posts on OPM must get borning but I just needed to get out what is on my mind & that is what blogs are about right?
I suddenly realised at 2am that my issues with my MIL are mine & that if I do not start putting them behind me I am only spiting myself.
I am fortunate that my MIL does not work & is able to help with Kayla but to be honest I just do not like her, I hate that Kayla occasionally smiles at her, I hate the fact that Kayla will grow up to love her, I hate the fact that I will need to rely on her for help (especially with the work that I am in), I hate the fact that she is Kayla's grandmother, I could go on & on.
I get angry that she wants to spend time with Kayla & throws in my face at every opportunity that my mom pops in to see Kayla in the week & on weekends, that we have left Kayla with my mom often to babysit & to sleep over (1 main reason being that my mom lives on the same rd as us '& it's more convenient), & that she hardly sees & gets to spend time with Kayla. But it makes me mad that she feels she needs a golden invitation to come over when I have told her she must just call & is welcome to come over when ever she likes as long as she understands I can not always entertain her. But she never does & always needs an invite to come for dinner or a visit.
I have pitched for a 3 day conference at the end of Nov (Kayla will be over 4 months old) and the client has requested (if I get it) that I must stay over for the 2 nights. I will definatley need to leave Kayla with MIL for those 3 days, I am not keen on her staying over at night so would rather DH fetch her after work, bath her at home, feed her & let her sleep in her own bed & then take her back in the monring. But I have a feeling it will not be easy for DH to do that & therefore Kayla will probably have to sleep over. MIL asked of she could get copies of some of the photos of Kayla from when she was born till now so we were going through then yest & she saw a photo of my mom bathing Kayla when she was just over a week old & she pulled a face & said "Oh I have not even bathed Kayla yet" & follows that by telling me that she is scared to bath Kayla so how the hell will she manage to look after Kayla for 3 full days & 2 nights?? It is hard work & i am not sure she will manage. I do not really have any other choise though.
I said to MIL that when Kayla is a little older, once a week I may drop Kayla off at her so that I can have some me time & also get some work done. It's a great idea in theory but the fact that I actually have to do it is hard for me, I am scared she will not know what to do in certain situations, I am scared Kayla may need or want me & feel I have abandoned her.
I am having a little bit of seperation anxiety but I know that I need to start letting go & trusting my MIL but I don't know if I can.
I thought maybe from next week I will drop her off for like 2 hours & then fetch her, & maybe not even take her every week but every second week & let MIL have time to get to know Kayla's routine, cries, needs etc & gradually increase the visits from 2 hours to 3 and then eventually for a full day (well from about 10am till about 3pm), but I am not sure I will manage!
What puts me off is that MIL does not show me that I can trust her, I understand she may be scared to do something while I am there incase it is wrong or it upsets me, but I tried to leave the room & leave Kayla with her so she can show some initiative & yet she still doesn't. Like yest she came to visit & I went to hang up washing & I thought she would pick Kayla up out of her pram or even play with her in her pram instead she offered to help me, I declined & said she has come to spend time with Kayla. While I was outside Kayla started moaning & MIL did not even pick her up to try comfort her she just said "ssshhh mommy is coming now". I mean what will she do when I am not there!!?? I am sure it will be different but I am very protective of my little girl & worry know one can do what I can do for her. I think my biggest worry is that I will no longer be in control & I hate that feeling. I am too organised & set in my routine & ways to let other people do it on my behalf, even poor DH can't do anything right & I am working very hard to try leave him be with her.
MIL even said yest that DH can drop Kayla off on his way to work once a week & she will bath Kayla & her & FIL will bring Kayla home in the late afternoon & have dinner with us. I am not so fond of anyone driving my baby around unless it's an emergency (not even my mom) so that idea is just no good. Kayla is only 3 months old & is my little baby girl who needs her mommy (or mommy needs her more?).
This whole MIL thing has got me so worked up & depressed that I can hardly sleep. I need the business but the situation of what to do with Kayla while I am working has me in such a state. I have been so tearful today, I know I need to start letting go of the resentment I have for my MIL, after all without her I would not have my DH & after all she is Kayla's granny too.
Obviously I trust my mom more but my mom shows she can be trusted, DH would never have agreed to leave Kayla with my mom over night twice or tell me leave Kayla with my mom if we have plans to go out if he did not trust her, he has yet to say let's leave her with my mom. Kayla was 9 days old when my mom bathed her (obviously I watched & supervised) & my mom had her opinions about how we bathed Kayla but she did it our way. MIL has had many opportunities to assist in bathing Kayla but has never offered, she never just gets into things & offers & joins in or plays or holds her hand while I bath her.. all she can do is look at her, give us a running commentary of what Kayla is doing (oh look she smiled, oh look she pulled a face, oh look she gurgled - Like i don't know!) & say "helloo my baby".
I refuse to ask her to help or ask her to feed Kayla or hold her or bath her etc, if she wants to do it, get on & do it or ask me if you can, I would never say no. I have even left DH to bath Kayla when his parents are there thinking they would maybe be more open to helping or getting involved but they don't. So how does MIL expect me to be confortable leaving Kayla with her at night or over night.
Oh gosh the anxiety is killing me. I can't talk to DH about it beacuse I don't want him to have am issue with me. I would never tell him I don't like his parents (I think he knows they are not my fav people but it's an unspoken issue) but if I told him about my concerns with his mom having Kayla he would not understand beacuse he does not have that over protection of her like I do. He would let anyone have her as long as he can go out & have a few drinks.
Oh well think next week I may take her to MIL for a couple hours only & build my confidence from there. I know Kayla will be fine but my feelings for my MIL seem to block all my knowledge that she is probably very capable.
WISH ME LUCK! I KNOW I AM GOING TO NEED IT!
I suddenly realised at 2am that my issues with my MIL are mine & that if I do not start putting them behind me I am only spiting myself.
I am fortunate that my MIL does not work & is able to help with Kayla but to be honest I just do not like her, I hate that Kayla occasionally smiles at her, I hate the fact that Kayla will grow up to love her, I hate the fact that I will need to rely on her for help (especially with the work that I am in), I hate the fact that she is Kayla's grandmother, I could go on & on.
I get angry that she wants to spend time with Kayla & throws in my face at every opportunity that my mom pops in to see Kayla in the week & on weekends, that we have left Kayla with my mom often to babysit & to sleep over (1 main reason being that my mom lives on the same rd as us '& it's more convenient), & that she hardly sees & gets to spend time with Kayla. But it makes me mad that she feels she needs a golden invitation to come over when I have told her she must just call & is welcome to come over when ever she likes as long as she understands I can not always entertain her. But she never does & always needs an invite to come for dinner or a visit.
I have pitched for a 3 day conference at the end of Nov (Kayla will be over 4 months old) and the client has requested (if I get it) that I must stay over for the 2 nights. I will definatley need to leave Kayla with MIL for those 3 days, I am not keen on her staying over at night so would rather DH fetch her after work, bath her at home, feed her & let her sleep in her own bed & then take her back in the monring. But I have a feeling it will not be easy for DH to do that & therefore Kayla will probably have to sleep over. MIL asked of she could get copies of some of the photos of Kayla from when she was born till now so we were going through then yest & she saw a photo of my mom bathing Kayla when she was just over a week old & she pulled a face & said "Oh I have not even bathed Kayla yet" & follows that by telling me that she is scared to bath Kayla so how the hell will she manage to look after Kayla for 3 full days & 2 nights?? It is hard work & i am not sure she will manage. I do not really have any other choise though.
I said to MIL that when Kayla is a little older, once a week I may drop Kayla off at her so that I can have some me time & also get some work done. It's a great idea in theory but the fact that I actually have to do it is hard for me, I am scared she will not know what to do in certain situations, I am scared Kayla may need or want me & feel I have abandoned her.
I am having a little bit of seperation anxiety but I know that I need to start letting go & trusting my MIL but I don't know if I can.
I thought maybe from next week I will drop her off for like 2 hours & then fetch her, & maybe not even take her every week but every second week & let MIL have time to get to know Kayla's routine, cries, needs etc & gradually increase the visits from 2 hours to 3 and then eventually for a full day (well from about 10am till about 3pm), but I am not sure I will manage!
What puts me off is that MIL does not show me that I can trust her, I understand she may be scared to do something while I am there incase it is wrong or it upsets me, but I tried to leave the room & leave Kayla with her so she can show some initiative & yet she still doesn't. Like yest she came to visit & I went to hang up washing & I thought she would pick Kayla up out of her pram or even play with her in her pram instead she offered to help me, I declined & said she has come to spend time with Kayla. While I was outside Kayla started moaning & MIL did not even pick her up to try comfort her she just said "ssshhh mommy is coming now". I mean what will she do when I am not there!!?? I am sure it will be different but I am very protective of my little girl & worry know one can do what I can do for her. I think my biggest worry is that I will no longer be in control & I hate that feeling. I am too organised & set in my routine & ways to let other people do it on my behalf, even poor DH can't do anything right & I am working very hard to try leave him be with her.
MIL even said yest that DH can drop Kayla off on his way to work once a week & she will bath Kayla & her & FIL will bring Kayla home in the late afternoon & have dinner with us. I am not so fond of anyone driving my baby around unless it's an emergency (not even my mom) so that idea is just no good. Kayla is only 3 months old & is my little baby girl who needs her mommy (or mommy needs her more?).
This whole MIL thing has got me so worked up & depressed that I can hardly sleep. I need the business but the situation of what to do with Kayla while I am working has me in such a state. I have been so tearful today, I know I need to start letting go of the resentment I have for my MIL, after all without her I would not have my DH & after all she is Kayla's granny too.
Obviously I trust my mom more but my mom shows she can be trusted, DH would never have agreed to leave Kayla with my mom over night twice or tell me leave Kayla with my mom if we have plans to go out if he did not trust her, he has yet to say let's leave her with my mom. Kayla was 9 days old when my mom bathed her (obviously I watched & supervised) & my mom had her opinions about how we bathed Kayla but she did it our way. MIL has had many opportunities to assist in bathing Kayla but has never offered, she never just gets into things & offers & joins in or plays or holds her hand while I bath her.. all she can do is look at her, give us a running commentary of what Kayla is doing (oh look she smiled, oh look she pulled a face, oh look she gurgled - Like i don't know!) & say "helloo my baby".
I refuse to ask her to help or ask her to feed Kayla or hold her or bath her etc, if she wants to do it, get on & do it or ask me if you can, I would never say no. I have even left DH to bath Kayla when his parents are there thinking they would maybe be more open to helping or getting involved but they don't. So how does MIL expect me to be confortable leaving Kayla with her at night or over night.
Oh gosh the anxiety is killing me. I can't talk to DH about it beacuse I don't want him to have am issue with me. I would never tell him I don't like his parents (I think he knows they are not my fav people but it's an unspoken issue) but if I told him about my concerns with his mom having Kayla he would not understand beacuse he does not have that over protection of her like I do. He would let anyone have her as long as he can go out & have a few drinks.
Oh well think next week I may take her to MIL for a couple hours only & build my confidence from there. I know Kayla will be fine but my feelings for my MIL seem to block all my knowledge that she is probably very capable.
WISH ME LUCK! I KNOW I AM GOING TO NEED IT!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
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