I need to start dealing with my MIL issues & soon!

I know my MIL posts on OPM must get borning but I just needed to get out what is on my mind & that is what blogs are about right?

I suddenly realised at 2am that my issues with my MIL are mine & that if I do not start putting them behind me I am only spiting myself.

I am fortunate that my MIL does not work & is able to help with Kayla but to be honest I just do not like her, I hate that Kayla occasionally smiles at her, I hate the fact that Kayla will grow up to love her, I hate the fact that I will need to rely on her for help (especially with the work that I am in), I hate the fact that she is Kayla's grandmother, I could go on & on.

I get angry that she wants to spend time with Kayla & throws in my face at every opportunity that my mom pops in to see Kayla in the week & on weekends, that we have left Kayla with my mom often to babysit & to sleep over (1 main reason being that my mom lives on the same rd as us '& it's more convenient), & that she hardly sees & gets to spend time with Kayla. But it makes me mad that she feels she needs a golden invitation to come over when I have told her she must just call & is welcome to come over when ever she likes as long as she understands I can not always entertain her. But she never does & always needs an invite to come for dinner or a visit.

I have pitched for a 3 day conference at the end of Nov (Kayla will be over 4 months old) and the client has requested (if I get it) that I must stay over for the 2 nights. I will definatley need to leave Kayla with MIL for those 3 days, I am not keen on her staying over at night so would rather DH fetch her after work, bath her at home, feed her & let her sleep in her own bed & then take her back in the monring. But I have a feeling it will not be easy for DH to do that & therefore Kayla will probably have to sleep over. MIL asked of she could get copies of some of the photos of Kayla from when she was born till now so we were going through then yest & she saw a photo of my mom bathing Kayla when she was just over a week old & she pulled a face & said "Oh I have not even bathed Kayla yet" & follows that by telling me that she is scared to bath Kayla so how the hell will she manage to look after Kayla for 3 full days & 2 nights?? It is hard work & i am not sure she will manage. I do not really have any other choise though.

I said to MIL that when Kayla is a little older, once a week I may drop Kayla off at her so that I can have some me time & also get some work done. It's a great idea in theory but the fact that I actually have to do it is hard for me, I am scared she will not know what to do in certain situations, I am scared Kayla may need or want me & feel I have abandoned her.
I am having a little bit of seperation anxiety but I know that I need to start letting go & trusting my MIL but I don't know if I can.
I thought maybe from next week I will drop her off for like 2 hours & then fetch her, & maybe not even take her every week but every second week & let MIL have time to get to know Kayla's routine, cries, needs etc & gradually increase the visits from 2 hours to 3 and then eventually for a full day (well from about 10am till about 3pm), but I am not sure I will manage!

What puts me off is that MIL does not show me that I can trust her, I understand she may be scared to do something while I am there incase it is wrong or it upsets me, but I tried to leave the room & leave Kayla with her so she can show some initiative & yet she still doesn't. Like yest she came to visit & I went to hang up washing & I thought she would pick Kayla up out of her pram or even play with her in her pram instead she offered to help me, I declined & said she has come to spend time with Kayla. While I was outside Kayla started moaning & MIL did not even pick her up to try comfort her she just said "ssshhh mommy is coming now". I mean what will she do when I am not there!!?? I am sure it will be different but I am very protective of my little girl & worry know one can do what I can do for her. I think my biggest worry is that I will no longer be in control & I hate that feeling. I am too organised & set in my routine & ways to let other people do it on my behalf, even poor DH can't do anything right & I am working very hard to try leave him be with her.

MIL even said yest that DH can drop Kayla off on his way to work once a week & she will bath Kayla & her & FIL will bring Kayla home in the late afternoon & have dinner with us. I am not so fond of anyone driving my baby around unless it's an emergency (not even my mom) so that idea is just no good. Kayla is only 3 months old & is my little baby girl who needs her mommy (or mommy needs her more?).

This whole MIL thing has got me so worked up & depressed that I can hardly sleep. I need the business but the situation of what to do with Kayla while I am working has me in such a state. I have been so tearful today, I know I need to start letting go of the resentment I have for my MIL, after all without her I would not have my DH & after all she is Kayla's granny too.

Obviously I trust my mom more but my mom shows she can be trusted, DH would never have agreed to leave Kayla with my mom over night twice or tell me leave Kayla with my mom if we have plans to go out if he did not trust her, he has yet to say let's leave her with my mom. Kayla was 9 days old when my mom bathed her (obviously I watched & supervised) & my mom had her opinions about how we bathed Kayla but she did it our way. MIL has had many opportunities to assist in bathing Kayla but has never offered, she never just gets into things & offers & joins in or plays or holds her hand while I bath her.. all she can do is look at her, give us a running commentary of what Kayla is doing (oh look she smiled, oh look she pulled a face, oh look she gurgled - Like i don't know!) & say "helloo my baby".

I refuse to ask her to help or ask her to feed Kayla or hold her or bath her etc, if she wants to do it, get on & do it or ask me if you can, I would never say no. I have even left DH to bath Kayla when his parents are there thinking they would maybe be more open to helping or getting involved but they don't. So how does MIL expect me to be confortable leaving Kayla with her at night or over night.

Oh gosh the anxiety is killing me. I can't talk to DH about it beacuse I don't want him to have am issue with me. I would never tell him I don't like his parents (I think he knows they are not my fav people but it's an unspoken issue) but if I told him about my concerns with his mom having Kayla he would not understand beacuse he does not have that over protection of her like I do. He would let anyone have her as long as he can go out & have a few drinks.

Oh well think next week I may take her to MIL for a couple hours only & build my confidence from there. I know Kayla will be fine but my feelings for my MIL seem to block all my knowledge that she is probably very capable.

WISH ME LUCK! I KNOW I AM GOING TO NEED IT!