Angel Son in Heaven

On the 19th of June 2008 I was in DBN for work after being involved in my BA flights crash landing due to bad weather the previous day, my flight home was very delayed and the BA staff who has assisted me the previos day were so good to me (being 18 weeks pregnant and all), they arranged for me to wait in the BA loung for my 4 hour delayed flight and while sitting there so greatfull the previous day's events had not brought harm to my baby and I.

My gynae calls regarding the routine blood tests I had done the previous week, he says "The downs test came back fine, spinabifida came back fine but (by this stage I don't hear much at all and heard something like) the trisomy bla bla bla not so good I want you to go see a specialist who will probably do an amnio" I ask him what this means and he mentions something to do with chomosomes, abnormalities bla bla bla..
I call my husband in a state (he is so positive) he tells me to relax we'll deal with it, it will all be fine. I call my mom who is also very upset. Anyway I make an app with the specialist while sitting in the BA lounge for 2 weeks later (that is the soonest I can see him).

The BA lady gets me on a SAA flight that leaves immediatley so I can get home to my family. This is my first pregnancy so I don't know about abnormalities. I cry myself to sleep and cry in bed the next day while my mom lies with me to comfort me. What does this Trisomy something or other mean? I call the Prof's office (the specialist) and speak to his assistant who tells me that it is a chomosomal defect and that in many cases the risks from the bloods are low and the baby will be fine, in other cases they are higher and you may have the baby but they are normally deformed and don't live very long, or they do not make it through the pregnancy & they normally recommend termination. I at least now had a small idea of what this all meant. I sobbed and sobbed.

My husband refused to believe all this and thought the baby would be fine.. we had been told by many Dr's it was a girl. I in the mean time was trying to come to terms with the worst case. I then found a wonderful website www.trisomy18.org which gave full details and other people's stories. I showed this to my husband who then broke down and cried - I felt so crewel but I had to make him see what we were delaing with and make him see that we may be faced with a very important decision.

From 15 weeks I noticed the baby was not growing properly and from the scan I had after the plane crash the baby's weight was less than half of what it should have been and every week we moved forward the baby was a week behind.

On the 26th of June 2008 I saw the Prof and he did a detailed scan and told us he does not like the look of things, the baby's hands were folded into eachother, the head was strawberry shaped, the baby did not have much of a chin and had a pigeon chest and he would like to do an amnio. Which we agreed to. He said I should be fine and should take it easy for the next day or so. The next morning I woke up and my bed was wet - I was leaking amniotic fluid! WHAT NEXT!?!? I called my gynae and the Prof 2 days later as it persisted and they both insisted I have strict bed rest till we get the amnio results. On Monday the 30th of June 2008 my gynae & the Prof called to tell me my baby BOY did infact have Trisomy 18 / Edwards Syndrome and they both recommended termination as it was a non viable fetus and with the leaking I was only putting myself through more than I needed to.

On the 2nd of July 2008 (20 weeks) I was admitted into a private room (I was very lucky as the head nurse & other staff were very sympathetic), at 08h00 my gynae inserted 2 tablets and told me that it should take between 4 - 6 hours and I would start having cramps and I would go into labour (yes it is so mean and horrid to think that I have to go through natural labour beacuse I have decided to kill my baby & the ethical side of termination is still there) and he'll see me when that happens and I can go home that evening. So 4 hours later I start with mild contractions and by 17h00 nothing happened except I was now bleeding a lot and what ever amniotic fluid that was left was gone and the cramps become less.. he inserted another 2 tablets. My husband and mother never left my side. My husband slept at a friend's house who lived next to the hospital incase something happened during the night. I was passing huge clots but no baby. The next morning same thing: 2 internal pills and now 4 oral pills every 2 hours. No cramps, no delivery.
The emotional rollercoaster I went through everytime they insert the tablets beacuse I had to to emotionally and mentally prepare myself for what I was doing to my unborn son. By day 3 my husband and I were exhausted, I was so tired of being pocked and prodded, my privates were no longer my own. My gynae brought another 2 Dr's to consult on my case as the tablets should have worked ages ago. They tell me that they recommend surgically removing the baby (like a DNC) as I can not go on physically and emotionally as I was. I was bleeding badly and they were worried about infection. Why could they have not done this to start with beacuse by now I was an emotional wreck!? They tried one other method by drip and by 12h00 on the 4th of July 2008 (3 days before my husband's birthday) I was wheeled into theatre and my little baby boy Brayden (meaning Called of God) was removed from my body.
I woke up asking for the foot prints we had asked them to do and cried un controlably for hours before finally falling asleep. By 19h00 my gynae came to see me and discharged me.

10 days later my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and had to force myself to get up & 'get over' my issues to be there for her. It was the hardest time of life & with losing my father a year before all this happened I was all my mom had!

I have never in my life felt so let down, heart broken, sad, angry, helpless & lost. I cried myself to sleep for 2 months solid, hardly ate or slept & finally after a mild breakdown went to aks for help. I saw a psychologist who did absolute wonders for me and made me realise that I was shelving all my issues and moving onto the next crisis. I had not dealt with the loss of my dad (Feb 2007) and therefore woul never be able to deal with the loss of my baby and the alsmost loss of my mother..

Braden Alexander was due in November 2008. At the end of October 2008 I found out I was pregnant again! It made that November so much easier! This new little life was due in the same week we lost Brayden (July 2009) and I realised how great God is to have completed the circle of life for me!

Today I hold my precious Kayla Bayley Shaw in my arms and think about her big brother Brayden & know God had his plan. He needed Brayden in Heaven with him more than I needed him down here & that Brayden would forever me my gardian angel and that Kayla now will forever have that angel with her. One day I know I will meet my Angel Son Brayden in Heavan & he and I will hug and laugh and talk about all the things I have wanted to say to him.

Brayden my beautiful PERFECT Angel Boy up in Heaven with God I love, I will always love you, I will treasure the time that you & I had together, know one else will ever know what it was like to have you inside me. I miss you & I pray that one day I will get to hold you in my arms like I dreamt those 20 weeks. I love my baby boy.