Post baby regrets

I love my little Kayla will all my heart and while reading through the OPM posts I notice so many ladies have had babies recently and it's so nice to see our OPM family grow.

But I keep having these post baby regrets, I am not actually sure of regret is the right word but I feel alot of guilt of how I felt and should have felt and did not feel after she was born.
Every time someone else goes in for their turn I try relive my experience of having Kayla in hope that the feelings I missed out on suddenly appear.

Everytime I hear a new mommy say how in love with their newborn they are my heart sinks. Don't get me wrong here, I did love my newborn but I feel I could have and should have loved her more, it took me a good month or so to be able to honestly say I LOVE HER.
I think with her Colic and my PND and her reflux and her non exsistent sleeping habits I was tired, frustrated and flat out not loving this creature that God blessed me with who was making me suffer so much.

Everytime I look at Kayla now I love her more and more even though each day ends and I can't imagine loving her any more, I can not imagine my life without her and I would give my own life to spare hers and I know that is all the matters but I feel like I missed out, I missed out on all the gushyness and that I maybe had too many expectations for myself and my new born that I lost the moments that you only have once in your life.

I am not sure if this post is making sence but I have had these feelings rolling around in my head for a while and finally have found a moment to put them all down.